Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We have started to decorate penises.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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