please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
