there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
