Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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