just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
