I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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