When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
