you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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