I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
