I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
