so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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