im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
