the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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