Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
