fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
