If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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