we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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