I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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