I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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