I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
