Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
