She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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