I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How does one acquire holy water?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
