Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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