The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
