And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
