Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
