He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
