Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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