I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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