yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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