You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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