wrigley field is MILF paradise
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
