you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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