if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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