Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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