Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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