The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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