My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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