It's a beautiful day for a hangover
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
