he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Oh god it's open bar.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
