shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
