I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize