does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
