I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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