Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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