i already hear my dad disowning me
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
