How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize