Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
