Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
