sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
