Umm I'm too high to move.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize