If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
