She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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