never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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