i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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