he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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