All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
