The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The Olympian is in my bed
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize