I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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