Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
