my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
