i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
