My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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