Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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