Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
